A lover of mine decades ago was in the closet when we met, and a year after we met came after the death of his wife. He had two grieving teenage kids, observant Jewish parents, and the way he coped with life on the preceding year was to eat heavily, changing him substantially.
He emerged into the gay community quite tentatively, with no local gay friends. I was the first man he had ever slept with, and I was on speed text half a continent away. It was rough, to say the least, 6’2” bald hairy men weighing 350lbs get virulent rejection in the metro area he lived in, clearly different from what these writers experienced, yet with features in common.
He began moderating food, went to the gym, and changed his body again, resembling perhaps Bill Goldberg, and I visited him a year after he began.
In some ways his mental makeup was worse.
He stopped going out because the same people who excoriated him in public previously fawned on him. We had long talks, as he considered going back in the closet. Gay men disappointed him deeply.
I asked him if dating women was a breeze, and they would have reacted differently. I also pointed out that I was, in fact, gay, the same features as the guys he detested.
We talked about being happy sleeping together and I was neither fawning nor critical, but I enjoyed him and his body because of who he was, and I hoped likewise. (I was at the time notoriously recognizable, gay men stopped me on the street befuddled by my actual existence outside of physique photography. Oh, the early Internet!)
I pointed out the world is full of assholes. Some are women, some are men. For gay men, we expect better because of shared experience, but, well, that’s not even remotely true.
I believe people who alter their looks always create a surprise for themselves, as he did. He never expected to dislike the response he got, but it was visceral.
He became accustomed to his body, and the reactions he got. He met gay men who didn’t give a shit.
I’m sure there are Lesbians out there who don’t give a shit. They will meet them and life adjusts.
It just never adjusts precisely the way you predict.
(His kids loved him, went off to college and were successful. He found a boyfriend, and his parents main question was whether or not his main squeeze was Jewish.)
Great essay, thank you both. Aaron, did you call yourself a medicalized lesbian for a time?
I think society needs to make more room for ambiguous presentations--whether natural or medicalized. What is the answer for private spaces? I don't know. More unisex bathrooms, etc.?
Besides the social difficulties, what about the medical? Do endocrinologists understand how to "get the house back in order"?
Wishing you both well, you are generous to share your experiences.
Yes, I still sometimes say medicalized butch. When I started grad school we had to announce our pronouns - I said I’m female but look like a man and pronouns are for utility not identity validation so they should use whatever pronouns make sense to them. That confuses people. They want clarity and easy answers.
This is heartbreaking. I hope you can both find a way back, even if it isn’t ideal. Maybe there will be new treatments for detransitioners. Thanks for writing this. I didn’t know detransitioning can be so difficult.
I for one am less worried about biological women in men’s bathrooms than biological men in women’s rooms. I’m not that worried about being sexually assaulted in the men’s room, but I think women have more reason for concern. F to M transitioners just aren’t a big danger to most men.
Both of you look like you can pass, and men’s rooms do have toilet stalls, since men do have to take dumps too.
As much as I enjoyed reading this essay, it made me angry. Not at Bell and Kimberly, but at the pressure that members of the gay and lesbian community felt not only to blithely accept "transition", but to become a part of it. I know I felt that pressure, and for years I told myself to stay in my lane, that I didn't have to hold an opinion on trans...all the things you do to convince yourself that what's false might be true. I wanted to be a good person, and I was told that affirming was the right thing so that's what I did.
No more. These days, I save my energy for people like Bell and Kimberly. They were part of the gay community and, as far as I am concerned, they still are. It's up to gays and lesbians to build a bridge to that little island and to let the inhabitants know they are welcome on both sides of it.
Something that sets you apart is that you can tell the truth.
Telling the truth is not simply a matter of choice. The first step in lying is often self-deception. And why do we do it? Because telling the truth comes at a cost. What cost? Sometimes it’s marginalization, contempt, hatred, or ostracism.
This happens because beliefs are what hold tribes together. And those beliefs are often false, wholly or partly. Ideas, beliefs, and ideological dogmas —which are organized and structured systems of ideas and beliefs— evolve over time according to the interests of different groups and through confrontation with other ideas and systems of ideas.
People who are socially well integrated, who have large circles of friends and feel comfortable being part of the majority, usually have little interest in voicing ideas that might provoke confrontation or anger.
Telling truths freely inevitably brings a certain roughness. No matter how hard one tries to be kind and compassionate, many people feel attacked and react poorly.
So, Keira and Aaron, you —accustomed to being part of the minority within the minority, bound to no tribe— can speak freely. You have the opportunity to commit yourselves to the truth, to belong to that scattered tribe of those who seek truth owing loyalty to nothing but it.
The question that just won't leave my brain is, what could have been said or done, and by whom, that would have changed your choice back at the beginning? Does the choice for minors have to be legally forbidden? (I do think it should be.)
I’ve never said it saved my life. I’ve never been suicidal. I think my study, once I’m able to publish it, will clarify why many butch lesbians, before me and after me, take the step to medicalize - even without the ridiculous ideology that’s emerged. This ideology didn’t exist when I medicalized 20 years ago. What I did say, on the Lesbian Project podcast, is that I was afraid for my life. That is real for many lesbians and gay men - like my neighbour who was beaten to death in a nearby park, about two years before I made the choice.
This sounds dreadfully, emotionally painful.
Thank you for telling your story. Im afraid that all I can offer is "Wishing you well." But I do.
Sad for you and grateful for your work to light the way for others.
Thank you both for telling the truth. It is much-needed in the world today.
A lover of mine decades ago was in the closet when we met, and a year after we met came after the death of his wife. He had two grieving teenage kids, observant Jewish parents, and the way he coped with life on the preceding year was to eat heavily, changing him substantially.
He emerged into the gay community quite tentatively, with no local gay friends. I was the first man he had ever slept with, and I was on speed text half a continent away. It was rough, to say the least, 6’2” bald hairy men weighing 350lbs get virulent rejection in the metro area he lived in, clearly different from what these writers experienced, yet with features in common.
He began moderating food, went to the gym, and changed his body again, resembling perhaps Bill Goldberg, and I visited him a year after he began.
In some ways his mental makeup was worse.
He stopped going out because the same people who excoriated him in public previously fawned on him. We had long talks, as he considered going back in the closet. Gay men disappointed him deeply.
I asked him if dating women was a breeze, and they would have reacted differently. I also pointed out that I was, in fact, gay, the same features as the guys he detested.
We talked about being happy sleeping together and I was neither fawning nor critical, but I enjoyed him and his body because of who he was, and I hoped likewise. (I was at the time notoriously recognizable, gay men stopped me on the street befuddled by my actual existence outside of physique photography. Oh, the early Internet!)
I pointed out the world is full of assholes. Some are women, some are men. For gay men, we expect better because of shared experience, but, well, that’s not even remotely true.
I believe people who alter their looks always create a surprise for themselves, as he did. He never expected to dislike the response he got, but it was visceral.
He became accustomed to his body, and the reactions he got. He met gay men who didn’t give a shit.
I’m sure there are Lesbians out there who don’t give a shit. They will meet them and life adjusts.
It just never adjusts precisely the way you predict.
(His kids loved him, went off to college and were successful. He found a boyfriend, and his parents main question was whether or not his main squeeze was Jewish.)
Great essay, thank you both. Aaron, did you call yourself a medicalized lesbian for a time?
I think society needs to make more room for ambiguous presentations--whether natural or medicalized. What is the answer for private spaces? I don't know. More unisex bathrooms, etc.?
Besides the social difficulties, what about the medical? Do endocrinologists understand how to "get the house back in order"?
Wishing you both well, you are generous to share your experiences.
Yes, I still sometimes say medicalized butch. When I started grad school we had to announce our pronouns - I said I’m female but look like a man and pronouns are for utility not identity validation so they should use whatever pronouns make sense to them. That confuses people. They want clarity and easy answers.
This is heartbreaking. I hope you can both find a way back, even if it isn’t ideal. Maybe there will be new treatments for detransitioners. Thanks for writing this. I didn’t know detransitioning can be so difficult.
I wish you both well.
I for one am less worried about biological women in men’s bathrooms than biological men in women’s rooms. I’m not that worried about being sexually assaulted in the men’s room, but I think women have more reason for concern. F to M transitioners just aren’t a big danger to most men.
Both of you look like you can pass, and men’s rooms do have toilet stalls, since men do have to take dumps too.
As much as I enjoyed reading this essay, it made me angry. Not at Bell and Kimberly, but at the pressure that members of the gay and lesbian community felt not only to blithely accept "transition", but to become a part of it. I know I felt that pressure, and for years I told myself to stay in my lane, that I didn't have to hold an opinion on trans...all the things you do to convince yourself that what's false might be true. I wanted to be a good person, and I was told that affirming was the right thing so that's what I did.
No more. These days, I save my energy for people like Bell and Kimberly. They were part of the gay community and, as far as I am concerned, they still are. It's up to gays and lesbians to build a bridge to that little island and to let the inhabitants know they are welcome on both sides of it.
Something that sets you apart is that you can tell the truth.
Telling the truth is not simply a matter of choice. The first step in lying is often self-deception. And why do we do it? Because telling the truth comes at a cost. What cost? Sometimes it’s marginalization, contempt, hatred, or ostracism.
This happens because beliefs are what hold tribes together. And those beliefs are often false, wholly or partly. Ideas, beliefs, and ideological dogmas —which are organized and structured systems of ideas and beliefs— evolve over time according to the interests of different groups and through confrontation with other ideas and systems of ideas.
People who are socially well integrated, who have large circles of friends and feel comfortable being part of the majority, usually have little interest in voicing ideas that might provoke confrontation or anger.
Telling truths freely inevitably brings a certain roughness. No matter how hard one tries to be kind and compassionate, many people feel attacked and react poorly.
So, Keira and Aaron, you —accustomed to being part of the minority within the minority, bound to no tribe— can speak freely. You have the opportunity to commit yourselves to the truth, to belong to that scattered tribe of those who seek truth owing loyalty to nothing but it.
Yes, “happy” and “whole” are certainly the first words that come to mind for these women’s self-described situation.
I think there was sarcasm in the piece there, about so-called gender-affirming care.
The question that just won't leave my brain is, what could have been said or done, and by whom, that would have changed your choice back at the beginning? Does the choice for minors have to be legally forbidden? (I do think it should be.)
wow.
I'm a lesbian who is very uncomfortable with clowns.
So I can't fathom what gay woman would want a trans 'man' as a partner... much less do this to herself.
It is truly heartbreaking.
This deserves a chef’s kiss for best illustration of our central argument.
You are very brave to write so openly of that which hurts.
This deserves an air kiss thrown over cyberspace... catch!
I’ve never said it saved my life. I’ve never been suicidal. I think my study, once I’m able to publish it, will clarify why many butch lesbians, before me and after me, take the step to medicalize - even without the ridiculous ideology that’s emerged. This ideology didn’t exist when I medicalized 20 years ago. What I did say, on the Lesbian Project podcast, is that I was afraid for my life. That is real for many lesbians and gay men - like my neighbour who was beaten to death in a nearby park, about two years before I made the choice.
ok roger. my bad. i made the edit. thank you
Thank-you. 🙂