The Planet’s Not Warming—It’s Just Having Hot Flashes

This queer erotica masquerading as environmental theory was published by a top academic press.

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About the Author

Dr. Colin Wright is the CEO/Editor-in-Chief of Reality’s Last Stand, an evolutionary biology PhD, and Manhattan Institute Fellow. His writing has appeared in The Wall Street Journal, The Times, the New York Post, Newsweek, City Journal, Quillette, Queer Majority, and other major news outlets and peer-reviewed journals.

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Is the planet heating up? Cooling down? Is climate change caused by carbon emissions, solar cycles, or maybe cow farts? After years of scientific modeling and political debate, we finally have our answer. According to groundbreaking research published in the Journal of Lesbian Studies, the Earth isn’t just warming—it’s having hot flashes. Because, as it turns out, “the Earth is a big badass butch dyke in menopause.”

No, this discovery didn’t appear in Nature Geoscience or The Journal of Climate, but in an academic journal dedicated to lesbian theory. The authors are longtime ecosexual performance artists—Stephens, a professor at UC Santa Cruz, and Sprinkle, a former sex worker turned feminist sex educator—who have spent their careers blending eroticism, environmentalism, and identity politics into what they call “sexecology.” In a previous project, they officiated a symbolic wedding between humans and brine shrimp in Utah’s Great Salt Lake—a performance that was part of a broader ecosexual practice they call “hydrosexuality,” which celebrates sex with water in all its forms.

Now, in this latest paper, they take their love for the environment to a whole new level.

Titled “The earth is a big badass butch dyke in menopause,” the article suggests we rethink climate change through the lens of erotic fantasy instead of science. They argue that the planet isn’t just alive; she’s hot, moody, and horny. They describe Earth as a shape-shifting, switch butch lesbian who uses BE/BER pronouns. Imagining Earth as a queer lover, they argue, offers a “radically embodied and joyous mode of environmentalist politics.”

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🎧 Prefer to listen?

Watch or listen to a full breakdown of this paper by evolutionary biologist Dr. Colin Wright and journalist Brad Polumbo on the latest episode of the Citation Needed podcast.

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So what does this look like in practice? Not geology, exactly, but anthropomorphic ecosexual poetry. “Butch Earth is in menopause,” they write, “having lots of hot flashes and mood swings. BER globe is warming… BER estrogen is lowering. BER anger is up.” That’s right: global warming isn’t driven by atmospheric carbon levels—it’s the Earth going through menopause. Volcanoes? Mood swings. Droughts? Low estrogen. Rising temperatures? Hot flashes.

The planet, they claim, is a “cruel mistress without a safe word,” one who “ejaculates everywhere”—in the form of dandelions spreading seeds, tsunamis swelling, and cherry trees “blossom-gasming.” Nature documentaries, they insist, are “Earth porn,” and Butch Earth herself is “a super slut,” a planetary nymphomaniac with a penchant for public exhibitionism. “We’ve had great sex with BER over the years,” they write, fondly recalling experiences like rubbing honey and clay on their naked bodies and rinsing off in “BER salty waters.”

In one of the paper’s more disturbing moments, they write:

“When we pleasure our swollen dyke clitorises, we pleasure the Earth.”

This is not satire. It’s a peer-reviewed paper published in an academic journal.